Thursday, August 10, 2006


You know, here we are, on the very day of an attempted terrorist attack, and the President has helpfully taken time out of his busy day (he'll tell you himself... it's "hard work") to come on television and explain that "It is a mistake to believe there is no threat to the United States of America". Even his ol' buddy Joe Lieberman has likewise explained how this attempt "should serve as the latest, most serious evidence that we are in a war against a brutal enemy that intends to attack us..."

Boy, I'm just beside myself! As a latte-drinking liberal, I did not realize that terrorism is dangerous. I'm gonna go change out of my "Terrorism - It's Not So Bad!" tee-shirt right now!

I mean, it's not like the president hasn't taken every single opportunity to explain how the world was changed on "September Theleventh" - even if he had to veer wildly off-topic in order to do so. How could I be so stupid? These terrorists, they hate freedom! They don't shop at Wal-mart! They blow stuff up!

Since we're all just a bunch of sushi-eating, Volvo-driving, New York Times-reading, Hollywood-loving, left-wing freak show elitists, the current administration is requiring me to display the JavAlert (TM), Terror Advisory System, utilizing, at long last, language we can understand.

GREEN - As in, "Korben m' man, we are green". There is no threat, citizen. Go forth, and enjoy your civil liberties (until told otherwise).

CINNAMON ROAST - general risk. I think. Wait, lemme check the polls...

CITY ROAST - Oooh, this is a tough one... which city? Like, say, Houston or Dallas, you're cool. Austin... not so much. Those folks are a little iffy.

FULL CITY ROAST - New York City or LA? Yeah, you guys are screwed. But you probably have it coming, what with all the gays, and stuff.

ESPRESSO - it's dark. That's how we know it's bad.

FRENCH ROAST - Well, this is clearly bad news. Hello? Are you paying attention? It reads "French" right there. French = Bad. Freedom Fries are not free, people.

And I'm adding my own, "situation immenent" level...

DEPRESSO - as in, sit back, and get used to the taste of this. It's a long time 'til 2008.

Maybe by then we can elect somebody with some real solutions to complex problems - not just a color-coded Rainbow of Fear.


blackpetunia said...

so, it took me a moment to realize these alert levels were written from the perspective of the Monkey in Chief...good though. I like.

Caff said...


I tweeked this entry so many times, the Mrs. didn't think the sarcasm was rich enough.

Then again, maybe if I keep a straight face, they'll start utilizing my handywork in urban areas...

Caff said...


I'm swear, I'm gonna make this blog entry happen, baby... and everybody's gonna love it! Oh, yeah, it'll go down in the history of blogdom as the funniest entry since Tom Cruise planted his seed in Katie Holmes loins!

ball and chain said...

the tweaking helped....but 'loins, tom cruise and seed 'should never be in the same sentence.

cassie d said...

this post was awesome!

i ESPECIALLY like the quote from the 5th Element!!!


and the sarcasm came through just FINE!


blackpetunia said...

You need to check

cassie d said...

holy crap!

Amber - can you do all of those since you are now a hip, goth barista with her own DJ show?

ballandchain said...

I need a new caffx blogpost fix soon!

merf said...

hilarious! I remember this guy. I agree on the calls to Westword! Excellent writing

Caff_X said...


As in Mer-fizz? - so named by my once cute and adorable, now 17 YEAR OLD sullen-emo-kid nephew?!

Stupid fire wall at work... can't get into your myspace account to send you an email...

Merf said...

Yes indeed it's me!! Emo kid?? say it isn't so!! How the time flies!

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