Thursday, August 10, 2006

JAVALERT!

You know, here we are, on the very day of an attempted terrorist attack, and the President has helpfully taken time out of his busy day (he'll tell you himself... it's "hard work") to come on television and explain that "It is a mistake to believe there is no threat to the United States of America". Even his ol' buddy Joe Lieberman has likewise explained how this attempt "should serve as the latest, most serious evidence that we are in a war against a brutal enemy that intends to attack us..."

Boy, I'm just beside myself! As a latte-drinking liberal, I did not realize that terrorism is dangerous. I'm gonna go change out of my "Terrorism - It's Not So Bad!" tee-shirt right now!

I mean, it's not like the president hasn't taken every single opportunity to explain how the world was changed on "September Theleventh" - even if he had to veer wildly off-topic in order to do so. How could I be so stupid? These terrorists, they hate freedom! They don't shop at Wal-mart! They blow stuff up!

Since we're all just a bunch of sushi-eating, Volvo-driving, New York Times-reading, Hollywood-loving, left-wing freak show elitists, the current administration is requiring me to display the JavAlert (TM), Terror Advisory System, utilizing, at long last, language we can understand.


GREEN - As in, "Korben m' man, we are green". There is no threat, citizen. Go forth, and enjoy your civil liberties (until told otherwise).




CINNAMON ROAST - general risk. I think. Wait, lemme check the polls...






CITY ROAST - Oooh, this is a tough one... which city? Like, say, Houston or Dallas, you're cool. Austin... not so much. Those folks are a little iffy.




FULL CITY ROAST - New York City or LA? Yeah, you guys are screwed. But you probably have it coming, what with all the gays, and stuff.




ESPRESSO - it's dark. That's how we know it's bad.





FRENCH ROAST - Well, this is clearly bad news. Hello? Are you paying attention? It reads "French" right there. French = Bad. Freedom Fries are not free, people.



And I'm adding my own, "situation immenent" level...





DEPRESSO - as in, sit back, and get used to the taste of this. It's a long time 'til 2008.




Maybe by then we can elect somebody with some real solutions to complex problems - not just a color-coded Rainbow of Fear.

13 comments:

blackpetunia said...

so, it took me a moment to realize these alert levels were written from the perspective of the Monkey in Chief...good though. I like.

Caff said...

*whew*

I tweeked this entry so many times, the Mrs. didn't think the sarcasm was rich enough.

Then again, maybe if I keep a straight face, they'll start utilizing my handywork in urban areas...

Caff said...

TWEAKED AGAIN!!

I'm swear, I'm gonna make this blog entry happen, baby... and everybody's gonna love it! Oh, yeah, it'll go down in the history of blogdom as the funniest entry since Tom Cruise planted his seed in Katie Holmes loins!

ball and chain said...

the tweaking helped....but 'loins, tom cruise and seed 'should never be in the same sentence.

cassie d said...

dood.
this post was awesome!

i ESPECIALLY like the quote from the 5th Element!!!

LOVE IT!

and the sarcasm came through just FINE!

;D

blackpetunia said...

You need to check
this
out

cassie d said...

holy crap!

Amber - can you do all of those since you are now a hip, goth barista with her own DJ show?

ballandchain said...

I need a new caffx blogpost fix soon!

merf said...

hilarious! I remember this guy. I agree on the calls to Westword! Excellent writing

Caff_X said...

Merf?

As in Mer-fizz? - so named by my once cute and adorable, now 17 YEAR OLD sullen-emo-kid nephew?!

Stupid fire wall at work... can't get into your myspace account to send you an email...

Merf said...

Yes indeed it's me!! Emo kid?? say it isn't so!! How the time flies!

Anonymous said...

Howdy,

When ever I surf on web I come to this website[url=http://www.weightrapidloss.com/lose-10-pounds-in-2-weeks-quick-weight-loss-tips].[/url]Lots of good information here coffeecrush.blogspot.com. I am sure due to busy scedules we really do not get time to care about our health. Let me show you one truth. Research displays that nearly 70% of all United States grownups are either chubby or weighty[url=http://www.weightrapidloss.com/lose-10-pounds-in-2-weeks-quick-weight-loss-tips].[/url] Hence if you're one of these citizens, you're not alone. In fact, most of us need to lose a few pounds once in a while to get sexy and perfect six pack abs. Now the question is how you are planning to have quick weight loss? [url=http://www.weightrapidloss.com/lose-10-pounds-in-2-weeks-quick-weight-loss-tips]Quick weight loss[/url] is really not as tough as you think. You need to improve some of you daily habbits to achive weight loss in short span of time.

About me: I am blogger of [url=http://www.weightrapidloss.com/lose-10-pounds-in-2-weeks-quick-weight-loss-tips]Quick weight loss tips[/url]. I am also health expert who can help you lose weight quickly. If you do not want to go under painful training program than you may also try [url=http://www.weightrapidloss.com/acai-berry-for-quick-weight-loss]Acai Berry[/url] or [url=http://www.weightrapidloss.com/colon-cleanse-for-weight-loss]Colon Cleansing[/url] for effective weight loss.

Anonymous said...

Hey,

Do you guys watch movies in theater or on internet? I use to rent DVD movies from [b]Blockbuster.com[/b]. Recently I discovered that we can watch all new movies on internet on day, they are released. So why should I spend money on renting movies??? So, can you guys please tell me where I can [url=http://www.watchhotmoviesfree.com]watch latest movie The Oranges 2010[/url] for free?? I have searched [url=http://www.watchhotmoviesfree.com]Youtube.com[/url], [url=http://www.watchhotmoviesfree.com]Dailymotion.com[/url], [url=http://www.watchhotmoviesfree.com]Megavideo.com[/url] but, Could not find a good working link. If you know any working link please share it with me.


Thanks