Alpha Male Update!

Have you ever thought to yourself, “Y’know, self, that damn pope is just too damn liberal.”? How ‘bout Pat Robertson?... Now there’s a guy who could toughen up a bit. At least he’s not a sissy, though, like that pansy, peace loving hippy, Jesus.

REAL men know the truth… if you want the Almighty’s will to be done, you need a real straight shooter - someone with a 70’s porn star mustache on his face, a top-notch toupee under his ten-gallon hat, and a round-house kick powerful enough to knock Richard Dawkins straight on back to the stone age, where he’ll see once and for all that marriage means one caveman / one cavewoman, and a steady diet of fresh, hot bronto-burgers for all.

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At long last, Norris: Texas Ranger - star of Cannon Films classics like “Hero and the Terror” and “Missing in Action 2: Still Missing” and all round alpha male extraordinaire has finally stepped forward to choose His candidate from the exciting field of Republican contenders.

Chuck Almighty has granted His divine province to Republican Mike Huckabee, in order to help the candidate do battle with the Democrat’s cold-chance-in-hell contender, Satan’s magik imp, Dennis Kucinich.

Asked for comment, Kucinich repeated the famous incantation from his book “The energy of the stars becomes us. We become the energy of the stars. Stardust and spirit unite and we begin: one with the universe; whole and holy; from one source, endless creative energy, bursting forth, kinetic, elemental” at which point, rainbows shot from his nose.

Dennis Kucinich at a recent campaign stop.

Norris is the second major religious figure to announce their support for a candidate. Last week, the goddess Kali vowed to support Tom Tancredo, so long as the Colorado Republican continues to sacrifice brown people in Her name.